Going Dark, Winter Yin and Self-Love

 Listen to this: "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida 2006 Remastered full length" Art is my lover. This is what I imagine they sound like in song form. At least one of the songs. Maybe I posted it before? Maybe I should add it to my "Make things" playlist? I never update that playlist. 

Yes, I will come with you. I will walk this land with you. 6min 20 seconds and the rest of the song is sooo my soul. agggghhhh


Time to go Dark

Where there's Darkness there's Danger (the whale sound gets me a little bit. the depths...)That song and this playlist, "Dark and Deviant" (Shawnster made the playlist. I love Shawns style so much. He's a cool cat)

Time to write like its my other other other full time job! Heeding the call of my lover. I have been practicing with this blog in order to get used to the idea of me being out there among you. I'm not scared anymore. Fuck it. It feels slightly self-destructive/destructive. Like jumping in the ring? 

Part of me died in my time spent with Master Grief. Master Grief, you are very strict and demanding! I appreciate your teachings and will share stories of our experience together in the early mornings. You scraped away at me until I was bare root. 

shit. 

Thats actually a great time to replant a being? bare root

Some people will love me, some I offend, some hate me. Some humans are consumed with fear, possessiveness, insecurity, jealousy, close mindedness. Im ok with you too. You cross me though, I have a temper. I neeeeed to exercise control, so thanks for that. ohhh loooorrrdd lol. 

As much as I LOVE people, (like Im about to burst) animals and plants are much more my thing. They are pure. They teach me things. We connect and feel and share gifts, love, connection and sometimes cuddles. I don't cuddle my cacti, I guess I could imagine being the gentle mist of water that rolls along its thick smooth surface and pools in the crevices. feels real nice. 


I am celebrating today
I am celebrating a start of a journey into the dark winter and of self love and telling my stories. If you are out there and you have stories to tell and are nervous. Know this. Know you are valued. You aren't formally educated? You think you are a common ass potato from a podunk place? English isn't you first language? You swear too much? Good. do that shit. Your voice is just as important. You are given intuition so use it.


Is that straw under all the sparks? its fiiiiiiiiine there's some frost on the ground. 

I did a pastel warm-up drawing (quick squiggles, colors, ideas, shapes) a while back that looked like people as sparks. I like this thought. Looking at those shapes in the picture reminds me of that drawing. I was thinking about yin, yang and spontaneous life as sparks. (at the time, I was thinking how I am unable to create new human life.) 

Winter Yin

  I used to get uncomfortable in the winter in Georgia. It was just dreary and cold. In California (Bay Area) we got rain but it was mostly mild. Here. Here in Utah the snow reminds me of Michigan. Being a kid and playing in the magical snow. Glittering and so many types!! The other day we got snow and part of the top layer melted and refroze. Now, if you can imagine, that is a harsh crunchy layer. I laughed seeing kids trying to sled nearby in a park. I said to Shawn "What are those turds doing? that snow will slice your face right off!" 

Kabloona, my bible during solitude, talks about harshness, beauty, fragile human life. I wont spoil the book for anyone. I gather so much from it. Simple phrases stand out to me as profound. I have read it at least 3 times now. 

Winter hiking among the crisp mountain air. Sharp scent of pines. Animals scurrying into burrows. Icicles and lumps of snow clinging to limbs in heaviness. Potential energy building. Shorter days. Gentle darkness and feeling safe in my own burrow. 

Self- Love

Im getting closer to accepting the harshness of some of my life and how it shaped me. Im not fully grateful for it yet. When my story helps others I feel gratitude for sure! Thats a cool feeling. There are aha moments that I see a pattern of something I like about myself and where it came from. Im seeing those more and more. I will love my whole self. I will give my whole energy to the present. 








Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sickness Meditations: Touch, Everything is Art

Image
I live and breathe as though I were an artist. I think everything is art.   I'm sick yet again so things might get real weird. Feverish, body aches, runny nose, sneezing. Snot rags everywhere, ginger teas, Star Wars. BLAGHH This is my lot for working with tons of people.  Touch: surprise, wanted or unwanted and the grey areas I love and crave touch. Most forms make me happy.   In the past week I went to a conference, attended a robotics competition with a couple hundred teens and went to a packed night club. Lots of people shaking hands, hugging, high fives, dancing etc. Lots of different touch going on.    At the night club I looked down a few times to see if Shawn's hand was on me or someone else's! I was wearing something short and form fitting. (I like participating in this slice of culture at clubs. It is so interesting to me.) A few times men and/or women placed their hands on my waist as they squeezed by me. Very intentional touch and not exactly brief. I thought i
Read more

1,000 Suns, Breaking Cycles, 3 Fates Tattoo

Image
  1,000 Suns I did some writing in my journal on Qigong a while back that I thought might be offensive to highly skilled/trained/master practitioners so I didn't want to share it. The thought was this: if there are thousands of different masters and schools, aren't we all capable of being a master in qigong naturally?    I was in my young 20s living in the Bay Area and smoking the best green on the planet. I dance dance dance like it was my job. I use dance to express myself, think and move through emotions all that. So imagine I might be slightly stoned, listening to music, peaceful sunshine weather and by myself just playing around.     My mind stumbled on a visualization. The energy of things. The energy of myself, around me and the things that are just out of reach. What if I called these "just out of reach" energies to me? Washing and scrubbing through me, filling reservoirs and the rest exiting back to where they came. What if I could see and feel these energies
Read more

Make things: even if you think its shitty

Image
Almost joining the land of the living. My sinuses taste of illness and skin smells like  acrid sweat. the final throws of battle "Make Things"  Youtube playlist "Make Things"  Spotify playlist "There's an empty space inside my heart Where the weeds take root So now I'll set you free I'll set you free Slowly we unfurl As lotus flowers 'Cause all I want is the moon upon a stick Just to see what if Just to see what is I can't kick the habit "Just to feel your fast ballooning head" Listen to your heart" "Lotus Flower" Radiohead This playlist was originally on Youtube. It reminds me of my relationship with art. My lover. I've shared it with maybe 3 people in my whole life? Its old but I still listen to it often. My playlists are journal entries. Since I think only family maybe read this blog, I feel fine sharing it. Its fiiiine.    Hi family! I love you! :)  "Inventions" Maserati  at about 6min in the clima
Read more