Almost joining the land of the living. My sinuses taste of illness and skin smells like acrid sweat. the final throws of battle
"There's an empty space inside my heart
Where the weeds take root
So now I'll set you free
I'll set you free
Slowly we unfurl
As lotus flowers
'Cause all I want is the moon upon a stick
Just to see what if
Just to see what is
I can't kick the habit
"Just to feel your fast ballooning head"
Listen to your heart"
"Lotus Flower" Radiohead
This playlist was originally on Youtube. It reminds me of my relationship with art. My lover. I've shared it with maybe 3 people in my whole life? Its old but I still listen to it often. My playlists are journal entries. Since I think only family maybe read this blog, I feel fine sharing it. Its fiiiine. Hi family! I love you! :)
"Inventions" Maserati at about 6min in the climax kills me! It rolls into a whole other delicious groove. my heart...aagh
Making gifts
I think it started in high school, this challenge to make gifts for people instead of buying them. I do still buy gifts but I try to make at least something. Sometimes I feel like Geppetto this time of year.
Shawn's mum sent out one of my dolls, with a drawing and quilt to grandma. She loved it :) It makes me so happy it is held and cherished. In this earlier post I talk about dolls for everyone. Most posts have a small bit or story of trauma unfortunately. My life is peppered with some really horrible experiences. I don't hid those things. I'm not on this planet to hide.
Young, old, male, female for different reasons gravitate or want the dolls part of their world. I'm working on 2 heirloom dolls with fabrics from people that have passed on. I feel honored to be part of this story. I draw portraits of animals that have passed and feel just as honored.
The dollhouse found a home too!
I listed it on KSL for free and someone eager to have it in their home with their kids came and got it. I really enjoy dioramas and miniatures so I think I will continue to make these unique dollhouses and give them away each year around Christmas. Its like making little worlds. I think the next one I make will be fungi/mushroom inspired!
Writing and Music
I was dating someone in high school who liked to point out my inadequacies in writing and music. Like all the time. I never fully understood this. He played guitar and he had given me a djembe. Why would he not simply play with me at a party? He said "you are not good enough" and that he would be embarrassed if people thought we were performing. I was not skilled etc. I argued that anyone could play. He took great offense to this! He was majoring in music or some shit in college. So he was skilled and knowledgeable beyond me. Or was he?
I thought he was a prick. We parted ways. Years later as part of some school project he said "we took instruments out to everyone and got them playing! We brought instruments to random people walking by!" You would have thought he struck gold. Poor fella. I never said "you were fucking wrong for criticizing me".
Did he finally see the truth that every human on this planet has a voice in the arts and expression? Did he finally see the story of that human that once picked up a thing that made a noise and thought to themselves "this noise resonates with me. This sound heals me. This sound helps me tell MY story. I will share this" He took for granted the early humans to explore and share amongst themselves this gift. Thousands of years passed and he thinks he owns this thing he studied in college. Plants his flag in it to say "this is mine, since I am learned on this". Tiny little insects.
I have 2 violins, 1 electric, 1 viola, ukulele, djembe and do I play them with amazing talent? Maybe not at all. But I play and learn. I give myself freedom to meditate with the sounds, find the joy. I play unashamed in public. You know what seriously happens when I play in public? This is real.
- violin fiddle/jig music at Wheeler farms. I was so scared at first, I was shaking. I hid in the back of a field and people found me!- people danced! smiled and threw money in my case. Can you believe such a thing!?
- violin at Liberty Park and people sat and gathered around me. One woman said "look!" to her small child "its a violin! I haven't seen one in years!"
- ukulele at an indoor pool at a work trip. I was alone swimming and playing. Others came in to sit in the hot tub. I was playing but I didn't want to stop immediately since that would be too obvious! I played quieter and finally stopped. To my surprise they said "Awwwe, are you stopping? That was so relaxing to hear you play!" Of course I continued to practice and we were all happy.
- ukulele and sang outside a cafe and people slowed down and smiled. It was a bright sunny day
I never approach this in an obnoxious way. I am trying with earnest. Maybe that is what people are seeing? There are only some humans who wish to tell you that you shouldn't. They are damaged, please don't listen to them.
I will tell my stories in prose, art and music. I will never be ashamed of my lack of skill. I will never shun others for partaking in expressing themselves. There is room for everyone at this table.
and you know what? Fuck you. There. I finally said it. FUCK YOU. I cant wait to publish my shitty book. With my shitty prose and shitty art. lol I don't give a shit to be embraced by the world. I embrace myself.
What is Stream of Consciousness?
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