September 8th Inspiration and Role Models
What if I don't have a role model?
This was true for me for a very long time. As a kid, role models were the "greats" I learned about in school. People worthy of getting into an encyclopedia. (encyclopedias!?) They are human like me so I should be able to be just as accomplished. This standard was likely a bit high for me but it was better than nothing. My teachers never discouraged this thinking but always pointed out that I need to learn the basics first.
Grandma and Teachers
I was not held or loved as a child. Not even when I was sick or had a broken arm. My grandma held me for hours and hours at any family get together. I was so shy, nervous and sad as a child. I ground my teeth and had stomach issues from not enough food. Grandma and I talked. We talked about anything and everything. She became my person after I tried to commit suicide as a teen. Throughout my life I lived with her a few times and she always had a bed made for me. I look back and know that she intended to keep me alive. I had to slow down when I was with her. She was physically not in the best of health. She thought slowly and deliberately; reducing problems down to simple solutions. I read her abstracts on thermophilic bacteria and hydrogen production in high school and it was then that I saw a role model. I was really good at science and foreign language and fine arts in school. She told me when I was very young "you are going to be an artist when you grow up". In 2nd grade I wrote a story about moving from our farm in Michigan and my teacher pulled me aside and asked "do you think you would like to be a writer when you grow up?"
Grandma. A real life role model. One I could ask questions, receive guidance and love.
She encouraged me in the arts.
When she died a few years ago I was completely crushed. My soul looks for her.
Dream Visit
A few months after she died I had a dream that I was with a faceless, obscure man and he served as a kind of guide. It was a dusty bright day at a large building complex filled with all kinds of people. At first I was scared but soon realized no one intended any harm. They represented all walks of life. I went from floor to floor looking for the room I needed to go to. I was led to a flight of stairs with people outside the door wearing scarves holding incense and they smiled at me. A woman said "your grandma is unable to be here right now but she wanted to tell you she is praying for you" She then held up a glass bead necklace with Hebrew inscriptions on it and put it on me.
Train Visit with Gabby
Yesterday I had acupuncture so Shawn and I took the train into work and back. On our way back I noticed a woman who sat adjacent to us a few rows ahead. I could not quit looking at her scarve.
I nudged Shawn and said "look, that looks like Grandma's scarve."
He said "it does look just like it".
I accidentally kept looking and she caught my eye like "yes?"
I blurted out "where did you get your scarve?"
She was incredibly beautiful and said with the warmest smile "I don't know, my grandma gave it to me"
I looked at Shawn and tears started to fill my eyes. I said "I have a scarve just like that from my grandma. Its hanging on my wall. I miss her badly right now"
Her name was Gabby. We chatted more about ourselves until she said "this is my stop." Shawn and I said "its our stop too"
We parted ways and I knew with my whole self that Grandma was saying "I see you. You are God's people and I love you. You are doing a great job and Im so proud of you." I cried on the way home. I had been praying for her so badly lately and she said "hi!"
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