Sickness Meditations: Touch, Everything is Art
I live and breathe as though I were an artist. I think everything is art.
I'm sick yet again so things might get real weird. Feverish, body aches, runny nose, sneezing. Snot rags everywhere, ginger teas, Star Wars. BLAGHH This is my lot for working with tons of people.
Touch: surprise, wanted or unwanted and the grey areas
I love and crave touch. Most forms make me happy.
In the past week I went to a conference, attended a robotics competition with a couple hundred teens and went to a packed night club. Lots of people shaking hands, hugging, high fives, dancing etc. Lots of different touch going on.
At the night club I looked down a few times to see if Shawn's hand was on me or someone else's! I was wearing something short and form fitting. (I like participating in this slice of culture at clubs. It is so interesting to me.) A few times men and/or women placed their hands on my waist as they squeezed by me. Very intentional touch and not exactly brief. I thought it was so interesting since this happened from a stranger in a grocery store and it alarmed me. I think I am seeing it as such a strong impulse for some to want to touch that area where my waist and hip meet. Shawn said it looks very pleasing to him and maybe others see the same. I wont think too harshly toward anyone for doing this anymore. It's a very harmless touch. I have been sexually assaulted on more than 1 occasion. It sucks. Those are sad experiences, especially when I was a teen and had no one to go to about such things. However, a gentle, naïve, impulsive touch from another human is not assault to me. All in context and intent. I see these grey areas and boundaries in my world and what's ok with me. Everyone is different though. I like observing how I reacted to these surprise touches. I am much less alarmed. I feel gracious or loving. Not defensive and prickly.
When I'm old, weathered, working on the farm, I will look back and remember the days when people wanted to touch me. Shawn said if I die before him, he will find me keeled over, digging potatoes with my favorite chicken pecking my eye out. I really want to draw this today.
Creativity and Arts in Science
Be Water My Friend, even if its intense water!
I love Bruce Lee and meditating on water https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJMwBwFj5nQ "Be water my friend". Most of my meditations are centered on the path of least resistance. For some reason I never knew Bruce Lee was so intense!
I always held this belief that there are many forms of meditation that can and should be used based off my needs and what would bring the most balance to the day. I was always taught meditation was sitting still, silent, stop thinking. That's it. I never fully believed this is the only way. I do what feels right for me. I never searched into it since I don't give a fuck what other people think on this. Just now I decided to see what others thought. And here we go, just 9 types right there: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/types-of-meditation#:~:text=There%20are%20nine%20popular%20types,focused%20meditation so that's cool. What I strive for is simple: flow, deeper breathing, slower heart, awareness of my states of being. Awareness of the living things around me and how I connect with them.
I use all of these types plus: art/making things and sitting with plants and animals. If you sit with your forehead against the forehead of an animal and breathe, feel their heart. Listen. Things happen. (Maybe don't choose to do this with a wild possum, raccoon or fish, maybe choose a domestic or farm animal.) I learn and have learned about my heart and mind through horses and rabbits. Horses can sense your heart and intentions even from far away. Rabbits pick up on vibrations. Animals are subtle but so expressive! They tell you exactly what they are thinking with their body language. Reading them helps me understand how to read humans.
I am now starting to practice stillness in qigong. I struggle(d) being still since I lived in intense physical pain for the majority of my life. It was always a coping mechanism. Now its a habit or pattern. I moved about to ease pelvic pain discomfort. I don't need this anymore, endometriosis has been removed and I don't live in pain. Time to adjust accordingly.
Biophilia
I wondered what this feeling is. Loving plants, animals, insects, humans so intensely. The only time I don't feel this very strong connection is when I don't get sleep and I'm exhausted. All my reserves are focused inward. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biophilia_hypothesis For me it goes beyond just living things and extends to activities and pursuits of the mind. Literally just everything.
Arts in Fighting
There was a day when I questioned why I wanted to train to try to get into the ring. It never occurred to me to question this since my heart spoke so loudly. The simple thought was "I want that! Badly" and there was nothing really in the way, so go for it. I was putting together a playlist to workout/practice with. Some of the songs didn't align with what I was trying to express. Some were too angry or pessimistic. Where was the hyphy joy? Wait, why am I doing this exactly? I am non-competitive. I don't like people looking at me...
Why does training in MMA feel right?
I called my dad who I haven't talked to in a few years. He laughed and said "you are a fighter. Its who you are. You are a fireball." So its natural to me. We used to slap box all the time when I was a kid. He reminded me of the stories about getting in fights with neighborhood boys. I wanted to be their friend because boys had more fun, but they saw me as a girl. Some asked me out and I thought this was sooo weird. I was always so mad about being born a girl. The only time I ever got in trouble (and still do) is for fighting. My current boss has had to have a talk with me twice about this. I explained "people try to punk me and I need to set boundaries." "There is no excuse Amanda! You are in leadership, leaders don't fight their people". The Tao de Ching certainly has chapters on this!
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| coach in center :) |
Some thoughts dawned on me: I love putting together a plan to achieve a goal, discipline, studying. I love moving and expressing myself, learning a thing and laughing with others. Getting popped in the face is quite a surprise that will make me smirk. Like damnit, I left an opening and they were quick enough to catch it. If my body and mind stay connected, I will learn to protect myself.
That thought of expressing myself jumped out at me. Months ago I was skimming through a book Shawn had: "Tao of Jeet Kune Do" compilation of Bruce Lee writing. I read a few things here and there but wasn't quite getting it I guess. It just sort of floated past me. After these thoughts surfaced in me, the art and joy in mastering a skill...his writing has come to life. I will never be the best at anything I do. I will always encounter someone with more skill in art, career, sewing, fighting. This should not discourage me in any way. Its joyful to learn a thing and gain skills. Very simple.
https://youtu.be/nzQWYHHqvIw?si=6iVuc36IOYAW7V1T "Bruce Lee Philosophy" My dad loved martial arts and we watched a ton of fighting movies growing up. I feel sometimes I need to apologize for my intensity or passion. I don't think I ever will again. "Keep on flowing. Express oneself honestly." The Universe demands for me to be my pure self at all times. I like to think of it as part of our trade or agreement. I'm terrified to against this. I am useless if I go against my nature or instincts.
I asked my dad to "be honest and if I was setting myself up for failure". He said I was setting myself up for learning.
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| My motivational board and what I am currently working on |
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