September 14th Meditations on Fear, Grief and Fight

Fear and Reward

 When I am faced with a fear of something, anything, I want to rid myself of it. I hate that feeling. Its like a horrible nonsense weakness. It will not rule over me. It will not control my heart (even though it races) it will not control my mind (even if it goes blank). I dated someone who tried to use fear to control how I behaved. That was a nightmare. I want to confront it so it loses power. 

 What (usually) happens when a person faces their fears?

Often there is elation. A huge ecstatic joyful recognition that the fear was not founded. That they could in fact do the thing. 

  I was teaching soldering to a hundred or so high school students and one student could not for the life of him (bless his heart) solder! He was terrified. I demonstrated the safety and how to use the materials and let him be. He sat there for over an hour until I heard a screaming "I DID IT!" I was like holy shit, little man made the badge. I walked over to see one tiny solder point on the badge. I looked it over and said "this is a perfectly done solder, good job!" and gave him a high five. I was the proudest of that student. There was one who finished first with very little direction. I was also proud of them, but seeing someone over come their fears is so awesome. 

 I had an immense fear of public speaking. I would shake and sweat. Part of my job is to do presentations all over the state and US at conferences. I needed to get over that shit quick. I signed up for every speaking engagement that I could. I am better, did I master it completely? Maybe not, but I don't feel like I'm going to pass out in front of a ballroom of people now, so there is that. 

What is the Reward?

Connections: Ok, "people/strangers" are not some ambiguous mass of flesh. They are usually friends you haven't met yet. Everyone one of us has trauma, fears, joy, faced death and loss, health issues, silliness and favorite things. What if we are all one? What if I could feel that and introduce myself to a new person and have no fear? 

Strength: sometimes I forget I am stronger than I think. Remove that ceiling. Fuck it. The stars are beyond that ceiling. Be radically cosmic. I had a fear of needles and had to give myself shots in order to do IVF. That is mind boggling to me. I still cant believe I did that. 

Expansion of self: Who am I? I am evolving, not static. I have a fear of being truly seen. I am a cicada, a cryptic, hiding prey animal insect. I startle easily and will run away from people knowing too much (unless its completely reciprocal) What if I can eradicate that fear? A year ago I was not someone who was going to write and publish an art book. Today I am. Today I am planning a book of prose and my art work. Very revealing, very personal. I am doing it for me, to rid myself of a force that is controlling my behavior and thoughts.

Simple Elation: sky diving, rock climbing, riding a dirt bike on motocross track 

Grief and Fight

I have an immense grief that I fight off each day. Every single morning. I wake up just before 4am "you may have underlying grief or sadness that is bothering you or you may have a condition in the lung area" no kidding. I say to myself "I accept my life path with dignity and grace" The tears are pressing behind my face hard and I go about getting into the studio. Lately Ive been on my sewing and Adventure Time kick so I get some giggles in. Sewing feels mindless and relaxing. My hands move as though they have done everything millions of times. Which I think they have since Ive been sewing since elementary school. 

I googled a few times "will grief kill me?" It physically hurts my heart. I feel this strange twisting and like its being gnawed on. My empty stomach growls loud and I remember to eat, its like forcing myself to eat sawdust and cardboard mixed with warm water. I hate it. It takes me over an hour to eat 1/4 cup of oatmeal. 

Fight. There is a scene in "The Abyss" where Virgil yells at his freezing cold wife "fiiiiggght you never backed down from anything in your life!" Urging her to wake up. My younger siblings and I watched this movie on repeat so so much. I had this feeling for a while but then something collapsed. Like everything was held together by straws. The acceptance. The absolute acceptance of a life I never wanted. Then the fight ceased. 

So now what? 

  I started going to gym for jiu jitsu this past month. How did I get there? 

Lets back up to around the first week of August. My first time in a Contact Improv class, the teacher mentioned martial arts as being part of the skills used. I really enjoyed this class. I liked the smells, feeling different types of skin, heart beats. I needed more of this. After IVF my body felt clinical, poked and prodded. I was disconnected, hated my body and tired. In Contact Improv it was seen as a whole part of me. My body was felt by strangers in a curious gentle way. 

At the same time I started to read a newly acquired favorite book. Page 10 Scholar Warrior first paragraph. Finally something that says its ok to try to excel at all the things. Ok cool. I really like this book. Page 12 2nd paragraph, women in martial arts and the next few sentence speaking highly of their skills. I thought immediately about my childhood and my dad trying to get me to fight bullies. I was a scrawny thing. He called me Little Fighter. He would talk about different fighting styles and he watched martial arts movies all the time. Fuck it. Im doing it. Im going to find a gym. The next day a coworker posted about her son's upcoming fight in MMA. I asked about it and the following day I was in a class. I move quick once my mind is made up! 

I thought I was doing this for my child self. My child self could hardly contain the excitement. I had always wanted to do this. 

I Found a Hidden Lesson:  Jiu Jitsu and Muay Thai are telling my body "fight!...but in a Joyful way":)  My body is now felt by others as strong and capable. I'm learning, laughing so hard and rolling around to put my whole self into winning a thing. Every cell in my body is saying "I am alive and I want to be!". Im driving home and I visualize this thick electric blue orb radiating from my chest. It's soothing and electric. It pushes all traces of grief and pain straight out of me. Sweat dripping from every pore and a smile. My heart that was in so much physical pain now feels spacious. My appetite comes back and I think I haven't eaten for weeks. I guess I needed to bring the fight into my physical self not my mental self? 

I am fascinated by this discovery.