September 20th Meditations on Letting Go and New Energy, Ancestors and Community

 Letting Go

Imagine crying over something for 15 years. Like really?! Since my young 20s a huge chunk of my energy was focused on and grieving not having a family of my own. The immense pain there is so unfathomable. I carried on. Did things. I saw myself as a homemaker without a family to take care of. I think other people saw me as a career person and artist and that pissed me off. Why? They saw me as I was. I was the one that wasn't seeing me. 

https://youtu.be/9Y7HsS4bj-4?si=VbrN6hSEh5kxbpK1 Youtube of Portishead "We Carry On". Beth Gibbons has a way of creating lush sad landscapes. The video is not necessary but adds interest. 


"I can feel in my bodyChains on me are breaking looseI can feel in my bodyStanding tall I make the moves
With the sun kissing my faceThere's no way that I can lose
Gotta let this goGotta feel some more on my ownYour touch keeps on hurtin'
Gotta let this goGotta feel some more on my ownYour touch keeps on hurtin'
I can feel in my bodyFree from all the things you wearI can feel in my bodyShows me the way, show me the way"

This song reminds me of when I quit things. Quit drinking, quit a bad relationship, quit grieving for a thing I never had. The thing of my desires often becomes a single point of pain. A single point of wasted energy that I created. 

Most people would say "let go". I had to figure out what that meant for me. I think it might be different for everyone. Finding it was excruciating. I went to an event just this past weekend called CelestFest and there was a grieve tending ceremony/gathering/ritual listed. I signed up for the festival for dancing and maybe meeting new people but this and other events intrigued me. (this was a substance free festival)

I had been meditating on what community grieving might be like and started reading a book called "Wild Edge of Sorrow". 

In John Wick (yes, I am totally quoting a John Wick scene, those are some of my favorite movies!) he says:

"When Helen died, I lost everything. Until that dog arrived on my doorstep... A final gift from my wife... That moment I received some semblance of hope, an opportunity to grieve unalone... Your son took that from me, stole that from me... KILLED THAT FROM ME!"

Something stuck out: "grieve unalone". That seemed important. Since I hadn't experienced community grieving I left my mind open to discovery. It was profound. Just prior to attending, luck shone on me that I could spend some time with 2 amazing women/healers who shared their experiences or insight. They said: "You have within you the answers you are looking for. You already know what you need to do". I was given a rose quartz bracelet which I now cherish.

I needed to finally let go. I did and I evolved. My mantra was "I will use my whole energy towards the things I have in my life right now and my whole energy towards the things I love." My whole energy, not 80-70%. Im putting my whole self into my life. My energy changed slightly and now I feel different. Very different. 

Ancestors and Community

My therapist has always said to me "I think there are people or spirits looking out for you on the other side. They line things up for you!" I often encounter what she calls "synchronicities" which I just think of as "huh, thats a weird coincidence". It happens so often that I am used to it now but never take it for granted. I simply say "thank you" to the other side. 

  I had been feeling crushed by loneliness. I move often and this last move I could not get a foot or hand hold since covid arrived soon after.  I kept thinking there was something wrong with me! I was trying so hard for connections and found dead ends. This past weekend at CelestFest I found the most beautiful amazing people I could ever hope for. Not just a few people, but a whole community. My heart is so full and I can't wait to see where these new friendships go! I love people so much. 

 I also attended a writing workshop taught by Masha Shukovich. The focus was on finding our voice, finding our place and time and seeing how unique but connected we all were. The teacher is incredible and I can't wait to learn more from her!! http://www.mashashukovich.com/ 

She created exercises that lead me to think about where I have come from. Who my people are. What are the names given to me other than my birth name. Ancestors.

Once I discovered my ancestral tribes/clans I started to see my modern day or present day tribes. Fighter Tribe (jui-jitsu, Muay thai and boxing) Artist Tribe, Dancing Tribe etc. After the festival I had 3 hours to get ready for a Tech Conference I was presenting at. It was a conference of RENs (research and education networks from the US and all over the world). Those are my people. My IT Tribe. I felt at ease presenting and had so much fun! 

How interesting the contrast and similarities these events had. Food, hugging, laughter, learning and trying to solve problems! One moment I am barefoot smelling like fire smoke and sobbing into the grass, the next I am in red lipstick and blazer, presenting or meeting new people on a wireless project called eduroam2go that Shawn and I made. 


Hidden Lesson:
 I had been craving cigarettes so bad and the nagging feeling would not let me go. Finally I was like "fuck it, I don't deny myself anything". I smoked 2 and felt so sick! I hadn't smoked in years. My mouth coated in gross film, my stomach hurt like I ingested poison, heart raced funny and my head was filled with anxiety. I finally laid that to rest though! I guess I needed to remind myself why I quit in the first place?








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