Slow TV, To Smoke or Not to Smoke, MMA

 https://www.youtube.com/@MerakiJourneys/featured


 I get requests for YouTube content. I am too busy making things, full time job and other hobbies to put anything together and edit it. I have always enjoyed Slow TV so I wanted to go that route. Me in the wild. Shout out to Shawnster for getting the cameras, software and cutting the video. (The only editing are cuts from different camera angles.) I laugh, cry, swear, have weird moments of nothingness, dancing and call my siblings. Often my stomach grumbles loudly and I impatiently eat while tapping my foot. I listen to Adventure Time and music on my headphones. 

These first videos are mostly of me preparing for the Family Christmas Gift Show.  


Update on smoking: 

 I thought my reaction to getting sick from the last 2 must have been because they were pre-packaged. So I tried again. Only this time I bought some papes, roller and loose Turkish blend and have been smoking away. Did I forget filters? Nah, its fine, they are bad for the environment anyway. Its like I'm smoking a small cigar. I stopped for a day and then thought, why? Both my sisters said its what I do sometimes and they aren't worried about it and that they know Ill stop.

 Did I pick up smoking out of depression? 
 Nope. I picked it up when I decided to accept that my body will not bear life. So, I think, why cant I be indulgent? Others indulge on food, sugar, alcohol etc. Why cant I get one vice? Just one fucking vice. I am always so strict with myself. Budget, work, eat right, exercise, work on my mind, hobbies, try to find friends. Constantly trying to be "perfect" in the hopes that maybe I will get what I want most in life or not be so lonely. 

 I don't give a shit what anyone says about this: I fucking LOVE the taste and smell of good tobacco. I like lifting the lid on my tobacco box and smelling the deep rich raisin-like scent, the texture as I sprinkle it in the roller, lighting it, the first drag and finding that one bright star in the sky, licking my lips of the flavor and drinking coffee. I will always love it and see myself on occasion, picking it back up. Just because I can. Freedom. If you don't like this about me, I don't care. I will allow myself to indulge in this world however I want. 

 However, now that I am increasing my gym time with Jiu-jitsu and Muay Thai...its a battle between breathing and cigarettes. Cigarettes are losing. I love how I feel after rolling or sparring and hitting a bag way more than after smoking. 

Update on Learning MMA:


I am looking for things that bring me joy. Smoking nice tobacco did for a bit, breathing brings me joy too. I am seeing more and more that fighting is very good for me. 

My body head to toe is wicked sore. Things are torn, bruised, bent harshly. I have to press ice packs along my shins to break up the lumps. I got a dead leg for the first time after being kicked in the calf. I giggled so hard at the weird sensation as I talked with another member. I like that fella, he laughs with me and plays as we spar. Reminds me of being a kid. I got whiplash after getting thrown to the mat too hard in jui jitsu. My neck sore for days. 

I crave protein/calories but I don't usually eat meat so its unusual. I don't deny myself these things though. MMA is barging its way in my life and demanding that I create a new balance. A month or so ago it got me eating. I was not eating for a while due to grief. It has me gasping for oxygen and will force cigarettes out of my life. It demands rest too. I never rest as I should. Last Friday I became physically exhausted from the long week I took a half day from work, cancelled from softball and covered myself in heating pads and slept for hours. 

Not Painting or Writing

My mind gets real squirrely without painting and writing. It is pushed to the side for now so I can finish sewing for the booth. After the booth is over, I imagine getting back into painting and writing will be like fervently stripping the clothes from a long lost lover. I wont leave the studio for days. 

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