1,000 Suns, Breaking Cycles, 3 Fates Tattoo

 

1,000 Suns

I did some writing in my journal on Qigong a while back that I thought might be offensive to highly skilled/trained/master practitioners so I didn't want to share it. The thought was this: if there are thousands of different masters and schools, aren't we all capable of being a master in qigong naturally? 

  I was in my young 20s living in the Bay Area and smoking the best green on the planet. I dance dance dance like it was my job. I use dance to express myself, think and move through emotions all that. So imagine I might be slightly stoned, listening to music, peaceful sunshine weather and by myself just playing around. 

   My mind stumbled on a visualization. The energy of things. The energy of myself, around me and the things that are just out of reach. What if I called these "just out of reach" energies to me? Washing and scrubbing through me, filling reservoirs and the rest exiting back to where they came. What if I could see and feel these energies, and start to gather loose balls and push them tighter and concentrate them along myself where I need it? Calling in the energy from the planet and skies. I found this visualization so much fun and invigorating. I still play around with this concept. 

  When I do ecstatic dance I ask myself what form do I need? The very first life form that appears in mind: cycad from the Jurassic period, butterfly, fish, dragon, hawk, pea sprout, anemone, angler fish, tiger, reed of grass, lizard, fungi, soil. Depending on the image, I know what I need to cultivate. 

  A cycad was a fun one. They are stationary and insanely slow to grow. So so sloooooooow. I embody this. I am slow, strong, patient, confident. The world buzzes around me and I am steadfast an unbothered. I feel the large insects crawling on me and tickling me. Animals, lizards and insects use me as shelter, hunting ground and other exciting things. I just watch and feel them. The sun bathing me, the humidity lubricating. I feel my skin like spiky leaves, the vascular system sucking and pushing vital fluids around. After the visualization has run its course I go about a more "blank" canvas way of moving but always in a balance. One side, other side, in the air, in the ground and back and forth always thinking about balancing. 

  Yesterday I read through my new favorite book "The Healing promise of Qi". There is a section on "Natural Flow qigong" and my heart kinda raced. I was a little taken aback since this is a thing. This is the thing that I do to call into my life the energy of a 1,000 suns lol. I was sick and philosophizing with Shawn about hobbies and passion and things we want from life. He is very very yin. Very. I asked him "where is your fire?" He kinda shrugged and said "I do things" and I said with my whole body, arms raised, eyes wide "I have the energy of 1,000 suns!! USE ME!!" 

 When I was just recovering from the flu I found a limitation. I was doing the thing I do while ecstatic dancing. I was sick of staying in bed all day. I wanted that energy. I craved it. I moved for it. I was suddenly struck with a horrible runny nose, sneezing fit and massive headache and nausea. All of that happened suddenly and a direct result of being sick still and trying to force too much energy through me. I ended up stuck in bed for 3-4 more days. Lesson learned. 

I have this recurring thought at times like I know a thing or have done it before. This is an area I feel I know somehow. Maybe we all do? Maybe we all have these innate abilities. we must. I am not unique. 

3 Fates Tattoo

Breaking Cycles

Credit Debt, Horrible Relationships, Jail and Alcoholism

I was on Trax this morning and looked at my credit account that I finally paid off this very month. I had this debt from years ago during my divorce a few years ago. I finally got to a point that I could transfer it to a 0%apr for 1 year and pay it off in time. I looked at that 0 balance and was so proud of myself. I got out of the debt cycle. It represented more though and tears filled my eyes.

 Last year I wanted to take out a loan to get my retaining wall done at my Sunflower house. The banker and I quickly realized there were no good terms available to me and the best option is to save outright. We spent the next hour talking about finances, budgeting and tracking using Google sheets. I have such a fun time learning some new practical life skills! I was grateful for his enthusiasm and the time he spent with me. He said I was doing good with aggressively paying things down, but I would never fully break the cycle of relying on credit until I put more into savings and to not have such a rigid monthly budget. 

 I learned business finances through an ex-ex and personal finances through a show called "Til Debt Do Us Part" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Til_Debt_Do_Us_Part . I sat in a horrible roach and mold infested trailer in Georgia practicing what I was learning from that show.  Fucking love that show so much. I learned a bit more that day in the bank. I think about that person all the time actually :) I hope he is doing well.  

 I spent time today reflecting on that horrible relationship/marriage and the worst time in my life. In a very short time my dog, who was my best friend, died suddenly. The dog who saved my life. I was in a painful car accident that messed up my back for a while. A person rear ended me going way too fast. I was diagnosed with endometriosis and told I would likely not have kids. I wasn't finding the right work for my skill sets. I drank. I fucking drank so much. I was in so much pain. I went to jail. The 3rd time I had been placed in handcuffs. The second time being booked for something and the first time sitting in jail for days. Do the court ordered things, blah blah.  I was so out of touch with what had happened in my life, what was happening and where I was going.

 Am I still out of touch with who I am? Am I now accepting my path? Do I finally see that these experiences shaped who I am and I should be so proud of myself of who I am now? I was suffering from CPTSD and was having panic attacks constantly. I didn't see that though. I didn't see how completely broken my soul was. I had no clue life should be any different. What did I know of life? Only what I had seen. Abuse, neglect, hunger, domestic violence, alcoholism, attempted suicides, rape, sadness, loneliness, physical pain, mental pain, spiritual pain 

Proud of myself today

for my mediocre life that hardly anyone notices

I was truly a feral animal

backed into a corner

snarled and fought 

I trusted an "outside person" to tell me what to do 

a therapist 

an AA sponsor

 

worked hard and learned things I didn't want to learn

opened my mind and heart to outside perspectives

sacrificed and worked through all the pain

locked myself in the bathroom in order to not buy alcohol

prayed 

my grandma bailed me out of jail

"Grandma!" I sobbed. "Im so ashamed, look at me" tears streaming down my face

She said "No! You were never taught. How could you know what to do? What were you taught about living? You are doing the right things now! I am so proud of you."

She moved right up the street and saw me get sober

I am so grateful for that 

My siblings forgive me for nearly destroying my life

they are my shining stars in the sky

my center

I learned not to ever get married again since people can be very deceitful about who they are or they just do a huge fucking 180. I was too trusting. I have peace in my home. Safety and thriving plants and animals. Soft blankets and colorful food in the fridge. 

I miss my grandma so bad today and Im crying. I want to tell her about the cool scientists I get to work with on a grant funding project. I want to tell her about the cookbook I took home from Prague. "Czech and Slovak Food and Cooking" and how I was stunned to see I know nearly all the recipes since we grew up eating and cooking those foods. At first I was like, mad, since I thought I wasted my money on stuff I already know. But I keep it out on the counter as a reminder of a part of me. 

 I asked Shawn, "did you eat this or that growing up?"

"No Amanda, I grew up British we didn't eat that."

 I thought it was comfort food that everyone ate. My mom says it's no surprise I feel so drawn to that region and want to move there. I want to rest my head on grandmas shoulder and cry that I am lonely most of the time and the flu this year sucked. 

I miss my siblings even though they will come out next month. I feel so sad when we part ways. Kenny and I play fought in the kitchen. Of course we played too hard and both got hurt. lol  Amber brought out 2 violins so we could play. We didn't have time but that gesture meant the world to me. I still play with my siblings :) I love them. 

I got a large leg tattoo in honor of Master Grief, fate and acceptance. The 3 fates. Closing the chapter on that feels good. 

"In ancient Greek religion and mythology, the Moirai (/ˈmɔɪraɪ, -riː/) often known in English as the Fates—were the personifications of destiny. They were three sisters: Clotho (the spinner), Lachesis (the allotter), and Atropos (the inevitable, a metaphor for death)." - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moirai

hot bath. cry and watch a thing in a heated blanket. I cried but I think its because my grandma came to near me and I could feel her. I cried and she said she was so proud of me for setting out a financial plan and doing a great job with mentoring. She will continue to guide me where I need to be in order to get the most fulfillment. I trust her, the Universe and my ancestors on this.