Meditation: Christmas Expo Recap., Vulnerability, A Dream

Listen to this: https://youtu.be/T74Mn9EHMOY?si=ig57HxzCG9eLuoCa "Pyramid Song" Radiohead Kwizma remix. Such a rad remix! I dig it so much. 

Make or eat this: halva. One of my most favorite desserts on the planet. My first time eating it was a few weeks ago in Jordan. 

  It snowed today! It rained hella and I hung out in the studio and the cold rain picking and being with the plants. I could smell the snow coming. I cleared leaves from the plants that don't appreciate being smothered in decaying matter. I asked Shawnster for help hauling in a piece of furniture for yet another chill spot. (I didn't want to leave it outside to the elements.) So many chill spots in the house. Its slightly crowded but I am smaller in stature so its fiiiine. In "Kabloona" I read Part 3 "Pelly Bay" about Father Henry's abode. Small and cramped with very few necessities. A true ascetic. This is the opposite.

 

2023 Christmas Expo Center Booth: recap

  I signed up for an artists in action booth and worked myself into a frenzy preparing for the event. Decorated booth, made costumes, packaging and displays. It wasn't fruitful in terms of sales. Many people offered such lovely feedback on my items and asked the price. When I told them (and I calculated my costs very low) the majority said they couldn't afford it but that they were worth it. There was one person I made an exception for and they paid what they could. I could tell she really enjoyed Akira the fox doll so I wanted her to have it. 

  Angela, Shawnster and I talked to other vendors and they all lamented that this was the worst year for sales. They also said they would likely not come back. I was told my items would sell best in boutiques and specialty shops. I don't think I'll pursue this though. Not sure really. Im burnt out on that whole thang.

 I was so incredibly nervous since this is in the territory of a deep fear. Being seen as an artist. I think I made great progress here though. Time to retreat and do art for me now. Phew. Perfect timing now that magical winter is here! 

The Good

• Spending time with my sister!!

• I now have zero fear of getting any of my art out there at events. ITS DONE. I DID THE THING.
• Talking with other vendors and artists
• Dressing as an elf and walking around being a goof
• Making a few commissions/sales
• Now that I have done one, saw the process, how I should setup, talk etc I feel more confident in doing a booth again (maybe farmers market)

The Bad

• Not making sales the first 2 days and not covering booth/event costs
• I'm not very skilled at retail service (I learned new things though) 
• A woman said she couldn't afford one and wanted to make one herself. She then asked if I sell the patterns. I retorted "Ill charge the same price as the doll". Angela thought my remark was rude so I had to think about that a bit. Being more tactful when I think someone is being dense and all that. I made the patterns and they took time. 
• 3-4 days at 11 hours each day are really long days and especially hard when non-stop Christmas music is playing. My mind turned in on itself. fucking hell
• I got a wicked cold the following week

The Ugly

• I was too hard on myself and thought I was an idiot for trying such a thing. Angela told me there were times she went to events and didn't sell a thing. My self-talk was so horrible it made her cry. She said I have a distorted view of myself. 
• I cried and caused my loved ones to cry and then I hated myself more. So NOW I get to use my skills I learned in therapy. (CBT for CPTSD and pain etc) I will inventory out those thought patterns and re-write them. Brainwash myself. 

Heres a few:

• I will change: "what am I doing?!" and "I have no clue what I am doing." to "I am experimenting and exploring new things! It's exciting. I am freeeee :)". I say this a lot and it almost paralyzes me in the studio. I make and write things compulsively though. 
• I will change "I hate my life" (lol) to "I find so much love, enjoyment and challenges everyday". ok, so honestly, this thought happens as a weird after-shock from grief. Usually in the mornings. Like my brain says "Good morning, lets jump out of a moving car".  It kinda like the weird spot in the living room that gathers dog hair and hay. I gotta move shit to get to it and clean. Quit being lazy and get to cleaning up. Sage rubs, my "Start out Right!" playlist and gratitude meditations snap me out of this thought, but I would rather it didn't even exist! 

Art shelter

   Shawnster and I were having a discussion about vulnerability recently. He said I don't really have a filter (In professional settings I certainly do!) I expose myself in many ways. I will share exactly how I feel, where I am at with my thinking, saying and doing things that other people might not. Most people forget these things I share, don't care or think I'm a blabbering fool. Sometimes cool conversations happen and I am so in it for all that! 

 On a random side note: I think my loneliness pushes me to be in more direct contact with the Universe and God. I'm cool with this. Maybe I am finding friends now though? I'm used to growing up with household full of people. Thinking, doing, playing, asking for help, eating the same meals together. 

  Art keeps me alive. If I say to myself "I hate my life" it doesn't matter. I am still here and I can't leave paintings and art unfinished. I always have work in progress. What if someone says about a painting or thing "I don't get it, that was executed poorly, it's a basic bitch"? That painting or thing got me a few more days, a week or even month. My life had meaning in those moments. I was in flow. What if someone calls it trash. What if someone calls me trash? I tell them to fuck off. right? 

Quick little article: https://sarahsarthouse.com/blogs/news/art-and-vulnerability#:~:text=In%20art%2C%20vulnerability%20is%20an,relationships%2C%20and%20grow%20as%20individuals.

Dream

  I had this super vivid dream a while back and I keep seeing and feeling it lately. I was in a house with all white walls, huge windows and there were nice graphite drawings and beautiful technical paintings hung orderly along the walls. The room was large and narrow. Very clean, sleek, uncluttered but worked/lived in. Interesting sculptures. Beautiful figure studies of his wife. A huge work table in the center. The man who made them was also a badass engineer. I admired him so much and felt a pang of jealousy. I am never jealous of other humans. It doesn't occur to me. I have what is allotted to me, others have their allotments. I wanted to be like him. I wandered around the house comparing myself to him. I woke up thinking, how do I become this person? It sank in lately, I am also an artist and engineer (now project manager). What if I am him? What if I am the person I admire? I am on a trajectory to making better and better art and being more successful in my career. This person could very likely be my future self. Why not? Maybe I could just draw, paint and sculpt the things I saw in the dream?