Negotiations with the Universe

 https://youtu.be/QH3Fx41Jpl4?si=RNm7e9FjFlrjvjSl  Nina Simone "Sinnerman" 




Negotiations with the Universe

holding myself to impeccable standards so often
doing what is asked of me
being my truest self
at the places I am called to
Where is my lot motherfucker?

an anger seethed forward
do you not hear me?

like a game of chicken
Knowing my worth I entered into these negotiations with a cigarette in hand
I am a small stupid human
but I will be heard
every morning, day, night
light, puff and stare into the Heavens

asking the Universe
What do you want with me? 
You will hear me
You will answer
Give me at least something
something that feels like mine

spark
drag
puff 

What do you want with me? 
Give me at least something
something that feels like mine

spark
drag
puff 


Give me at least something
something that feels like mine

over

and over

and over

relentless squaring off
staring straight into the face of the creator, the source, Nature, ancestors
you will not fuck with me


over

and over






ceaseless asking and demanding
over, and over and over and over and overandoverandoverandoverandoverandover
every morning, day, night









until finally

a loud thunk

I see the most interesting paths
sparking my spirit
strangers met me with words I needed to hear
my family with sympathy and grace

negotiations completed
an agreement struck
I now enter into an ascetic season
this season is no stranger


For the fellow Human struggling with infertility:

You did not receive a death sentence. Know that you are loved, prayed for, seen and not alone. You are alive and here for a reason. Find those paths and reasons that are so particular to you. You did nothing wrong. You are beautiful. You are part of this massive human family. Its ok to cry. Its ok to be angry. Its ok to mourn, but keep fighting your fight. Stay here. Stay in the game. Keep your face to the sun and light and don't hide your love away. 




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