Resurrecting Old Blog Post: "Endometriosis Pain and Unexplained Infertility" 4/18/22
Endometriosis Pain and Unexplained Infertility
I didn't know there was a name for it. The debilitating hell of pain that I would go through every month. I would scream and cry and sit hunched over with my hands digging into the ground. Like an animal. I made a deal with god that he/she could take my arm once. My right arm. The one I paint and sew with. They could fucking take it if they stopped the pain. god turned their face from me.
When I did mention the pain to doctors, both women and men, they shrugged it off.
I painted this in my young 20's before even moving to California. For some reason I see the black lines now as needles for IVF which I tried this year at 38.
"The pain is all in your head. Every woman has pain during their period. Suck it up its part of being a woman. You are stressed out that's why you have pain." I was stressed and emotional FROM the pain. motherfuckers.
The look of shock. Immense pain and trauma.
In California
Its all in my head. I thought about how my brain worked, how to re-wire it to not feel pain. Meditate, eat vegan. I thought about 2 tiny organs and uterus causing me to miss work and wreak havoc in my life. A pattern every month. A pattern of going to hell and fighting through it. I would crawl from room to room like an injured animal. Maybe Id be more comfortable on the couch. My normally noisy parrots were absolutely silent every month this happened. I would finally pass out hard and sleep for the rest of the day. Why is this happening?
and in Georgia
My coworkers thought I was going into shock once. My face was pale and I was sweating. I was starting to shake and cry. I said "I think I need to leave, I'm hurting" but I forgot to turn our huge CAT generators off. Once my grandma watched over me from the door to my room and asked if she could please take me to the emergency. I said "No, this is what happens every month. I'll pass out and in a day or 2 I'll be ok" She said "that's not normal".
I was told by a doctor that its unlikely I will be able to have kids. I started to bawl my eyes out and he said casually "Oh, I'm sorry, is that something you wanted?" Around this time I had lost my dog, I was living like shit and I was drinking. I started drinking more. I drank and said fuck you god. Drinking separated me from my Source. I didn't want to be connected any more.
After seeing a therapist and fighting my way to sobriety it was time to go back to the doctor to address this huge stressor in my life. I didn't want to though. My therapist said she had endometriosis and it sounds like I have it as well. Its treatable and women can conceive even with the diagnosis.
I was back at a doctors office and said I'm in extreme pain every month. Since I was young I always imagined I would have a big family. It never once occurred to me that I wouldn't. The doctor said he couldn't come up with anything to help me. As I was leaving I was pissed. I got really mad. I was checking out at the register and glanced around at all the women in the lobby. Some were pretty far along pregnant. My eyes welled up with tears and I started saying "I'm not sure what I'm paying for here. You didn't help me with anything. I'm in serious pain every month and no one is helping me!" By that time I was crying and yelling pretty loud. The nurse said "are you trying to get pain meds?" She thought I was seeking pain meds! "No I can't take any medication that is habit forming or the potential to change how I feel. I'm in recovery for alcohol. I want to know what's wrong with me!" The doctor finally came back to the front and walked me to the back. He said "Look, the only thing we can try is to give you birth control". I did start the birth control and it did help.
Over the years I had tried a few times to conceive. Here are some things people have said to me about why I couldn't get pregnant.
"You probably have an unchecked std or sti. You should have them check." Not once was I ever diagnosed with either.
"You are too thin, put some weight on you"
"You are in a bad place in life and gods timing is best"
"You must not eat right, try cutting out..."
"You must be too stressed, you need to relax"
The shame. anger, resentment. Like a praying mantis, I wanted to rip off their heads
In Utah
What does endometriosis look and feel like? It looks like a demon ball of pain with every nerve on fire. It feels like having my insides pulled out from my vagina opening with a never ending loop of barbed wire. It feels like I was severed in half and my legs would be so weak. The light headedness. The clenched fists at the top of my head in shear disbelief and anguish. The shaking and sweating. I often wondered if I was going to die. I thought I was going to fucking die. Every month.
Is that trauma?
Is that a pain you know?
Do you think I lived this way since I was a teenager and didn't try everything under the sun to not feel this way? I wanted to tell people to fuck off. Its why I don't talk about it. Its why many women probably don't talk about it. We are told its our fault somehow.
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