Meditation: Thorn in Side, Courage, Embarrassment

 Listen to this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rurEpjZ_QZ4  Sudan Archives "Black Dove". This album has some raw beautiful gems going on: https://youtu.be/n0l5LU4-B5I?si=JCTEDPFiJCpH5oKe "Down on Me". For context: explicit lyric warning. These songs remind me of when Shawnster and I first starting dating. Hot af. (dont think he minds me saying)

Thorn in Side

I feel them

small little jabs
just tiny thorns
my face flush
ghosted, cancelled, ignored, embarrassed for something I'm not sure what 
the Universe whispers
"time for change, you are done with this path"

no sadness
just tidy up a few loose ends
would I feel different if I had hugs, dinners, parties and games 

crack

balls are set
I set them in motion to escape 
seeing both geometry and formless matter scattered before me
if I were a shark, it would be all geometry
instead my inadequacies create style

working with what skills I have
just do the things
make way around the table, looking for angles
keep playing the game

what game? the one I make up? Do I play alone? 

In high school we got a prompt to create a board game for art class. I came in with a black and white board game called "Amanda Wins". This makes me chuckle now. 

Quick morning sketch:

WHY do I feel embarrassed for myself in this moment?

Sometimes I go so far out on a limb I stop and think, should I be embarrassed? I fumble in the gym trying to block and wiggle free while sparring and rolling. I felt off balance trying to talk about my work at the craft show. So shy! Why did I play and sing ukulele outside a cafe? Why did I belt out "The Lonely Goatherd" while chatting outside at the train station? Is it courage, adventure, slightly self-destructive or not giving a fuck and trying to have fun learning new things. Its harsh on confidence to constantly try new things. I googled it. What is this back and forth feeling? 

https://www.bustle.com/articles/173691-11-surprising-ways-to-put-yourself-out-there-that-you-havent-thought-of-before (I currently do all of these except #11, I am slowly getting into #10)

What I learned from the craft show: I have done customer service but not retail, that is a skill I lack. I am not very confident in my art work, but I am working on it. I got tired answering the same exact question over and over. I enjoyed being silly and dressing up. Its ok to feel overwhelmed and cry. I was happy to hear that even though some could not afford my work, they said it was definitely worth the price. That was a nice compliment. I loved getting to know the other artists and was even gifted a very cool drawing! He was insanely talented and hilarious! 

What I am learning from MMA: I'm not too old to jump into it, the group I practice with are compassionate, supportive and fun. My body and mind feel great. I am NOT going down the path of being a perfectionist with this. I am focused on enjoying myself and gaining technique with consistency. Like career work: study, practice, do it often and for a long damn time. Keep doing the thing.