Forced Rest

 Forced to Rest

I hate resting. Its unnatural to me. I sleep when I want and need to. 

When I am sick I feel forced to rest since my mind and body stop working. I hate being forced to do a thing I don't want to do. So angry. I should be grateful my body is working to heal me. Instead I feel like a spoiled brat. Each day that passes that I spent in bed is like a week. Sleeping so hard. Having weird dreams. Waking up feeling like I failed since I am not doing a single thing. I get so much done in a day that I feel the piles and piles of things just adding up. Then my mind and body goes "sleep". and I fall back asleep. The hardest wall of sleep

The obligations just sitting next to my bed growing larger each day like the pile of laundry

decorations that are still in boxes

postcards and Christmas cards I haven't sent out

mma training I am missing

work on projects for my job

mentoring opportunities

art commissions

book I am writing

art. My studio that I havent stepped foot in for about a week

causing fucking anguish

landscape design work

wanting my farm so bad it hurts

wanting the czech language and people

to feel that complete sense of peace that I never had in my whole life

to feel safe, protected, still and at home

my heart at complete peace

it stayed there, my heart

in that fairytale and I have to go back to be reunited with it

the week I spent alone, meandering and watching

feeling and watching 

its not a pride they have

its a secret

a secret love

tucked away just out of sight

a cherished thing that people know they must hide in order for others to not destroy it or take it from them

history not kind to these people

generational trauma, why my great grandparents left Hungary

Why I feel I must go back

days I sent tobacco smoke swirling into the air my ancestors whispered "come back home"

art, philosophy, scientists, poets, thinkings, dreamers and those people that live in the spaces between societal norms

the people that dare to spill their hearts out and lay bare their most vulnerable selves

they see these people in high regard, I saw that glimmer and felt the heart beat stronger and faster

I feel the heart of lovers of art and thinkers

I will be safe there

I get so angry at being taken out by illness. It makes me grateful for the days that I wake up with so much energy and love. I live each day in so much gratitude that I am alive. Why wouldn't I fill it to the brim with all the things I love doing! Living each day like its my last, but not in a reckless or careless way. Maybe too much care? Im in a weird state of dreaming and floating in and in out of wakefulness. Shawn brings me medicine, water and smoothies. I go to the bathroom but dont remember if we talk.

Fever dreams: I dreamt I put a beautiful china plate in the microwave and it warped and melted a hole in the center. Then I needed to turn into a mermaid. like it was who I was supposed to be. In order to get my tail I needed to swim in the ocean and find a merman to mate with. He was mean to me but turned me into a mermaid anyhow. I tried to practice swimming and noticed I was turned into a merman. So I was half female and half male. Then I was in school trying to study and feeling like a failure since I kept dropping my pen and I couldn't write. The japanese math teacher handed out a super difficult test that was also a cryptic puzzle. Everyone was cheating on the test and I refused to cheat but never handed in my work. In real life I had a meeting coming up but could not wake up to get ready for it. In my dream I was trying to take a shower and didn't want to be this weird half male/half female mermaid anymore and needed to get to work. I couldn't find towels. I couldn't get into a bathroom since I was in this weird house with people laying all the place, in front of doors sleeping and random spots preventing me from doing a thing. I barely woke up to text my boss I couldn't make it and promptly went back to sleep. I think I talked with my sister since I am going to go to Georgia today.