Morning Prayers, The Ways

  This morning I woke up too early. My arm hurting from tiling. I thought about what a dear friend reminded me of. A story. A story of how I used to live in pain. 

 Remember when you would so some running, biking or gardening and you would become crippled by cramps and bleeding/spotting afterward? Yes, I do remember that. That happened to me since I was a teenager. I lived that way. That was my normal. I read that physical activity eases endometriosis. That was a complete crock of shit. Who the fuck wrote that? That was so far from my truth. 

Remember when you went to the hospital to finally have endometriosis removed? I cried. Along with the other men that were there. You cried? I didn't know that. 

And he is the best person in the world and I cherish him so much for being with me during that time in my life. NO other human would have worked. Only him. He is natural caregiver and I needed that desperately. God knew I did and placed us together. Even if just a short while.

Prayers

I prayed for the women that are incarcerated that are not receiving what they need to heal physically mentally and spiritually. 

I prayed for the women waking up in so much pain from endometriosis they wish they were dead. The young woman that get their periods and are struck with terrifying pain instead of the magic of being a woman experiencing cycles tuned with Mother Earth. I prayed they can find the strength to keep going.

I prayed that woman will stop judging other woman. Woman have very unique expressions of spirituality that are often not confined by religion. We need to stop fucking judging each other against these masculine rigid paradigms. If you judge me, you are judging yourself. We are all reflections of one another. 

I feel a sense of survivors guilt, sitting on the other side of pain. 

I feel something was denied of me the moment I came to Earth. Denied a gentle way of life as a woman living close with nature and art. I move to gratitude. What was I given instead?

That's where I found Dolly Parton. She found a sense of purpose in that story. Hard working and truly herself. Loving and giving. Strong. Fighter. When I found an article on her many many years ago I saw the slightest glimmer of hope. Hope that there was nothing wrong with me, that my life has a destiny outside of a traditional one I was taught was "The Way". There are many Ways. Dolly found a family among all humans and I was told I must do the same. Use my big Love for everyone already here. 

I re-read my previous posts in a self-conscious way at first. What have I shared? Who am I? Am I this weird fruit cake artist creature? As I read I would occasionally catch a small tear falling down my face. I cried for myself. Not in self-pity but a place of compassion and love. How did I find a love for myself?

I was told that self love turns into love and compassion for others. This Way felt inherently incorrect. I have a huge tremendous Love for creatures and the Universe. What if I meditated starting from the outside and pulled that Love energy inward? That was the key. That way my Way. I was never taught that. I had to find it. 

I pray that members of my human family can cry for themselves. 

I pray that whoever needs to work their Love from the outside inward can find that and it fills their heart. 

The Ways

When I lead qi gong at AA I would find myself sometimes saying in a guided meditation:

"If you find yourself angry, disappointed, sad or upset. Find it in your body. Accept it and sit with it a while. Sink into the ground with it. Give it to Mother Earth. Find your way to the pillow of Gratitude and land there. Spring from that pillow of gratitude into Love." And there are many qi gong movements that express that meditation. Every qi gong movement is a prayer. You include your breath, body and spirit. You become one with the prayer. 

Often the folks practicing with me with have these moments. Big moments of feelings welling up. It was unavoidable but my space was filled with love and peace and it was ok. It was normal. We are doing the work together.